It's time to revive The blog entries. Is been spending a lot of time on Facebook. I've been enjoying some conversations on a forum. Actually, they've been more like arguments. I like to start discussions sometimes controversial things. The trouble is, most people don't like to disagree. Most people don't have true debating skills is the problem really. When they don't have good come back to your discussion, but just attack you. Typical ad hominem. I really do like to write. But unfortunately the general public, is the sort of audience that my writing skills are appreciated by. That was very horrid grammar. I apologize. I'm trying right now to use dictation with my Dragon software. Bob got it for me for birthdays, Christmas, I'm not sure what long time ago. It's very awkward right now because I'm not used to it. I think if I use it and notify will become quite fluent, but it's very awkward right now. Ethical make blog writing much easier for me, if I practice enough to make it easy so you put up with my blog right now in my very awkward wink. The awkward treaty awkward sentences. Significant? Paragraph back as you can see, I don't know all that use all the commands just yet. Can you just know what I'm saying that either, but just for fun and believe it as it is and I can see what progress I made as I go along. So, just for fun, you have to deal with it as I saw Mica brand-new person that's learning the language for the first time. Until later

Volleyball and the art of worrying

Last night I crawled into bed with heaviness on my heart and mind. A friend was going through something hard, and didn't seem to be handling it well. I had given her some advice, which she promptly discarded, as being useless to her circumstances, since I apparently didn't understand it. I had even prayed about what to say, and had asked others to do so on my behalf, How dare she!! Anyway, I went to bed wondering if I would be up all night trying to figure out how to fix her. (Are you grinning now?) I decided, after weighing many options, that my last resort would be to pray about it. (Who would like to thump me on the forehead? Line up nicely. Don't push.) As I'm praying and worrying simultaneously, and yes, it can be done, a picture came into my head. It was the sand volleyball court at my church, Becker Baptist. I had been asked to play on a league one summer. I was never asked for another summer, so I'm saving that for another angst-filled day of insecurity when I need something to boo-hoo about. However, I wildly digress. As I picture that volleyball court, I see myself standing there in the sand. As I am 5'2, most people there are taller than me. It is important that I play my position, so that I don't get squashed by others, or that someone doesn't break their leg falling over me. I Hear/sense the presence of the Trinity. I never know Who it is so I say my usual. Hi, there. It's me. I'm stuck again. He chuckles. I'm usually stuck on something. In a small, quiet voice He says, "Play your position. If the ball comes your way, play it. I'll handle the rest." Hmm. I thought about it. So, Do what is clearly obvious to do, and leave the rest. I can do that. Good night.

Climbing Back Down

This morning, as I drank my coffee and tried to wake up, I heard one of my cats crying piteously. Where was it coming from? I looked up, and there he was, way up on top of the wall that separates our kitchen and living room. He's done that before; counter, to fridge top to cabinet top to wall, though he knows he's not supposed to. However, this time, something on the counter top had been moved, into the spot where he would climb down. He looked so remorseful that I decided to help him. I moved the offending toaster, patted the places where he could reach, and watched him jump down, very relieved. That triggered a memory of mine. I loved to climb, too, as a kid. Trees, gravel pits, barn rafters, and cliffs. If it was warm enough, I loved to climb barefoot. God gave me long monkey toes for a reason! I also seemed to be missing a healthy fear of heights. I was with a friend in Taylor's Falls, a wonderfully rocky canyon that holds the St. Croix River, between Minnesota and Wisconsin. There were amazing cliffs to climb, so off came the shoes and socks, and up I went! I climbed until I ran out of cliff, then decided to go back and find another place. To my surprise and dismay, I could not see my hand and toeholds from the top, the perspective was totally different from up there. I studied the rocks. It became clear that the only reasonable way down was on the other side of a wide cleft, and the only way to get there would be to jump. There wasn't enough room on that little plateau to land on my feet; I had to dive across the space and land on my stomach. I launched and landed. Oof. When I had recovered my oxygen, I started back down. Surprise! There was that healthy fear that I had been lacking. In the years since, I still climb on things. I like to believe though, that I am wiser in my choices. This has given me some insight into raising and interacting with my young adult son, and my friends and family. We all sometimes get into places where we get stuck, often of our own doing. Sometimes I need to be patient and call out encouragement; sometimes I need to point out the steps to climb back down. All of us are climbing something. Offer a way to climb back down. You may need one yourself.

The last time I posted was last year at this time. So much has changed. At that time I started on a wild roller coaster ride of thyroid issues. I was sick, depressed, weak and dizzy. I could hardly walk, let alone blog, garden or any of the fun things that go with summer. On top of that, life was changing drastically. My son was getting older, starting college, spending more time on his own, pulling away from Mom and Dad, needed more help adjusting to life but at the same time not letting us into his life. I felt totally at the mercy of the current. Today is so totally different. Just as the irises and lilacs are blooming, the grass in knee-high, and the birds are nesting outside the window; life has circled around to a new beginning. My son is finishing his homeschool high school work. He has finished his college degree. My hubby is back to work full time after 5 years of work comp battles, college for him, followed by unemployment. I am medically stable, both thyroid-wise and seizure-wise. I am emotionally and psychologically stable again. What have I learned? Once again, that I am not the General Manager of the Universe. I keep applying, but they send my resume back. Most of the stuff I worry about doesn't ever happen. I will never get to know in advance what will happen and how it will turn out. My son is his own person and will learn best if I get of his way and let him thrash his way through, unless he wants help. My hubby needs appreciation and affection as much as I do. No one cares if I'm not perfect. Whew. Lots to process, but I'm in a good place. I hope to enjoy what I missed last summer.

Do Pharisees use CFLs?

We went to the recycling center the other day to pick up some finished compost. We had finally moved into place some retaining wall bricks around a shrub, and needed some back fill. We reclaimed the bricks from a neighbor who didn't want the flower beds the previous owners had built and offered them to us. Good recyclers that we are, we hauled them over. They made a nice border around the shrubs we dug up from an old farmstead that was being turned into a new development, the iris bulbs I got on Freecycle, and the lilacs a friend dug up for us on his farm. At the base of the shrubs I laid the branches I had trimmed from the red cedar, another rescue from a construction site. No sense in wasting good biomass, and a good drainage additive as well!

We loaded shovels and tarp into the Subaru (that's what we earth-friendly greenies drive, not because it's less carbon emissions, just 'cause it makes us look cool.) We brought home several loads of finished compost - rich earthy soil made from other peoples grass clippings and weeds. The county does a lot of work chipping it up finely, and turning it over so that it composts quickly. I'm not sure how they do that. Maybe a gas powered grinder? I bet they have a bobcat or even a backhoe to do the big piles.

It was hot and sweaty work getting it unloaded and into the bed. We took a break, headed inside where it was air conditioned, and cracked ourselves a couple of ice cold sodas and drank them straight from the aluminum cans.

It sure feels good using your muscles, "living off the land", and saving the planet. All that recycling and reusing we did today sure goes a long way toward keeping the earth safe.

Presenting the Bride

I watched the royal wedding yesterday, as did most of the world.
The most poignant scene for me, however was Kate being helped into 
the car by her father. He gently and carefully folded her gown's
train, and handed it in, to be placed on the seat beside her. 
He gingerly slide in next to her and smiled at his beautiful
daughter.

She sat enthroned in the yards of satin and lace, a jewel in a
setting of cream and ivory, waiting to be presented to a delighted
prince.

Her father gently lifted and smoothed the fabrics, so that none of
it would be creased or dirtied. He beamed at her, obviously proud and
pleased.



It suddenly occurred to me that is exactly how our Heavenly Father
feels. He protects and surrounds us, the Bride of Christ, keeping us
from soil and damage, so we can be presented as a perfect gift for
His son, the Prince of Peace. All we go through, our trials and
pains, are preparation for the that glorious presentation.
I am awed and humbled, once again, but the love the Father and Son
have for us, the Beloved.

Right brain, left brain, can't decide

As I continue to heal from my stroke and subsequent seizures I am constantly being forced to find new ways to do old things. I've had to learn to dress myself and not leave the house unbuttoned. I've had to learn to turn on a timer so I don't walk away from the stove and forget about it entirely. I've had to relearn driving routes I've know for 11 years, by re-driving and re-memorizing landmarks and street signs.

Now I've had to relearn how to learn. Before I was a "give me a fork and let me dig in" kind of learner. I set up a systematic approach; a step by step plan to tackle a new skill or realm of information. I can't do that now. The stroke has damaged the part of my brain that deals with sequential processing; step 1, step 2, etc. I also have a limited "working memory", the number of things I can hang onto in short term at one time.  This makes learning anything new difficult.

My hubby bought me a wonderful electronic keyboard a Christmas ago, thinking it would be good physical and intellectual therapy. It would be, if I could figure out what to do with it. I diligently look at the little black notes, count out "every good boy does fine", line up my fingers on the keys and then try to play. Some place between the treble clef and the keyboard all the notes and thoughts tilt off the page and out of my brain and nothing connects. I tried to play a little song I once learned as a child, and couldn't do it. I burst into tears and sat with my head in my hands and wept.

After I'd boohooed for awhile I mopped myself up and tried again. I would not let that black and white "thing" in the other room beat me. If I couldn't learn it by studying it, I'd learn it by sidling up close enough to spy on it and learn its musical secrets.  I put on one of the pre-programmed lessons, slowed it way down, and listened, plunking along when I thought I could guess which note was next. I actually hit a few. The computer told me I did "OK". Well, that's good enough for me. For now.

I've had to do that with other things. Just do one little bit. Let it sinter in my brain. Try it again later. Lather, rinse, repeat.

For someone who has always been very literal, mathematical, systematic, this is weird. What's weirder yet is that I have to let my "right brain" do all the work. Yes, it's my right side that's damaged. Maybe it's rejoicing over its chance to do some of the work. Jumping up and down shouting "pick me, pick me!"

So, I toddle along, dabbling, playing. Someday I will play a whole song. Which side of my brain gets to do it? We shall see.