It's been a fascinating journey so far, through CVA (cerebral vascular accident, or stroke) into recovery. There are so many parts to this. The acute medical issues, the lingering physical deficits, the psychological understanding and acceptance and now the intellectual processing glitches.
Immediately after the stroke I had numbness and "lost-ness" of my left hand and arm. I really sometimes forgot that parts of it were there. I could move everything, if I looked at it specifically, but unless I consciously "inhabited" those fingers, they just dropped off my neural map. I had quite a bit of balance trouble. Having been a skater and diver in my younger years, a strong sense of kinesthetics was always a part of me. I always knew where I was in space. To not be able to stand on one foot for even 3 seconds was incredibly frustrating. To close my eyes and immediately tip over seemed ridiculous, for someone who used to be able to spin in several directions.
The sensory overwhelm was another problem. Standing in a crowded foyer at church, with all the voices and movement and bodies made my head spin. Standing at the top of the stairs and looking at the vast space of the entryway was another spin-producer.
Physically, I have improved dramatically. My fingers are all "there", most of the time. Sometimes I realize I am not using them, and then I make a conscious effort to inhabit them once again. I can stand on one foot, a necessary skill in everyday life(!) Why I consider that such a big deal, I don't know.
Internally I've had to process and accept the idea that I'm damaged goods. I really believed that I had "dodged a bullet" and would be just fine. For some reason the results of a vision test that showed I have a vision loss in my lower left quadrant was hardest to take. It hit home then that, yes, parts of my brain ARE gone. I told a friend I was having trouble with that, and that I had hoped to get through this unscathed. She said, "None of us get through life unscathed." Wow. (Thanks, Kate.) It put it in perspective and somehow I immediately felt okay with it.
Lately the challenges I'm facing have to do with intellectual processing. I've always been a very "left-brain" thinker; analytical, linear, detailed, but at the same time my subconscious was working in creative, outside the box ways. I could work at some problem methodically and step-by-step, only to have some unique solution just pop into my head. The right brain functions were doing their thing, behind the scenes. I've noticed that seems to be lacking, perhaps because the brain injury is on the right side of my noggin. I will plod along at something, working and working, even when it's not working, thinking if I just keep doing it, it will fix itself. That creative spark is not there.
I am not tremendously worried about that at this point, (for one thing, what would that accomplish),and for another, I have made enormous strides in my recovery in the other areas, so I'm sure this will improve also. Just to hedge my bets, I'm doing as much right-brain stuff as I can, to exercise that part, and as my friend Martha said, knit some neurons. (Love that phrase!
1 comment:
I am enjoying reading your blog. Never had a stroke, but I've been reading the frustrations of a professor who was in a bus that went off a cliff and he has come through many setbacks still to have some brain injuries that leave him unable to work. Having faith in Christ is a great help but the struggle is still great; so in this your writings remind me of what he's gone through.
When you said that your creativity was gone, I immediately thought that the fact that you can come up with the composition of this blog means there's something creative going on within you; maybe you just don't recognize it for what it is. Not everyone can write so well. Here you are also able to analyze and describe some pretty mysterious events going on within you. I think it seems that you are doing amazingly, if you were to consider just how much you've gone through! It gives an insight into this that I would never see from any other source. I hope that you keep persisting and don't get discouraged.
Another thing I was thinking, I don't know if you're still struggling with remembering sequences of things you need to do as you described in a previous post, but I saw a neat idea somewhere, that someone wrote what they needed to do on a paper bracelet and wore it until it was done, one task per bracelet. If a bracelet seems overwhelming to attach, maybe you could staple it around the handle of your purse or something. Just a thought, and I have no idea whether that comes across as completely stupid, so I apologize in advance. Maybe you wouldn't even need it any more; that would be delightful! (I know I could use it, because I am just naturally scatterbrained.)
Keep on with your efforts; thank you for sharing! May God bless you with great encouragements along the way!
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