Right brain, left brain, can't decide

As I continue to heal from my stroke and subsequent seizures I am constantly being forced to find new ways to do old things. I've had to learn to dress myself and not leave the house unbuttoned. I've had to learn to turn on a timer so I don't walk away from the stove and forget about it entirely. I've had to relearn driving routes I've know for 11 years, by re-driving and re-memorizing landmarks and street signs.

Now I've had to relearn how to learn. Before I was a "give me a fork and let me dig in" kind of learner. I set up a systematic approach; a step by step plan to tackle a new skill or realm of information. I can't do that now. The stroke has damaged the part of my brain that deals with sequential processing; step 1, step 2, etc. I also have a limited "working memory", the number of things I can hang onto in short term at one time.  This makes learning anything new difficult.

My hubby bought me a wonderful electronic keyboard a Christmas ago, thinking it would be good physical and intellectual therapy. It would be, if I could figure out what to do with it. I diligently look at the little black notes, count out "every good boy does fine", line up my fingers on the keys and then try to play. Some place between the treble clef and the keyboard all the notes and thoughts tilt off the page and out of my brain and nothing connects. I tried to play a little song I once learned as a child, and couldn't do it. I burst into tears and sat with my head in my hands and wept.

After I'd boohooed for awhile I mopped myself up and tried again. I would not let that black and white "thing" in the other room beat me. If I couldn't learn it by studying it, I'd learn it by sidling up close enough to spy on it and learn its musical secrets.  I put on one of the pre-programmed lessons, slowed it way down, and listened, plunking along when I thought I could guess which note was next. I actually hit a few. The computer told me I did "OK". Well, that's good enough for me. For now.

I've had to do that with other things. Just do one little bit. Let it sinter in my brain. Try it again later. Lather, rinse, repeat.

For someone who has always been very literal, mathematical, systematic, this is weird. What's weirder yet is that I have to let my "right brain" do all the work. Yes, it's my right side that's damaged. Maybe it's rejoicing over its chance to do some of the work. Jumping up and down shouting "pick me, pick me!"

So, I toddle along, dabbling, playing. Someday I will play a whole song. Which side of my brain gets to do it? We shall see.

If I only had a brain...

Or at least a different one. To get you up to speed...In Feb last year I had a stroke. In July of last year I had a very bad seizure, ambulance to one hospital and helicopter to another. Was doing okay until November of this year when I had another seizure. Back to hospital, where they immediately whisked me off to another hospital capable of dealing with me.Now, I'm on seizure medications, have had some "breakthrough" seizures, and have had to double my medication dosage. Still can't drive. I'm being hauled everywhere by my patient and loving husband. My son now has more incentive than ever to get his license, and is slogging through the driver's ed curriculum. I'd be thrilled to have him driving,both for my sake and for his!In spite of all this, I'm happy! Either I don't get it, I'm more brain-damaged than I thought, or I'm in total denial. Don't care though. There's an incredible freedom that comes from having stared down the throat of death and disability, and been barfed back up on the shore. Gross visuals, I know, but I do feel a bit Jonah-ish. I didn't go into this kicking and screaming, but I am certainly glad to be in the beach again anyway. Enough for now. The hand dexterity required for typing takes a lot out of me, and besides, it's time for supper.

Orange vacations on the coast

Why Gummi Bears?

Good question? I spent the last week at Abbott Northwestern, some of it in a coma, most of it in the ICU and many days on a ventilator. If you've ever been on a ventilator, it gives you a tremendously sore throat. My mom brought me gummi bears to suck on; they are very soothing on the throat. So the pay back the helpful bears, I'm giving them a chance to experience the finer things in life, just like Flat Stanley.

The Need to Look Forward

I found a fascinating first-person story of a woman's journey through stroke and recovery. It is word-for-word excerpts from her diary, interspersed with entries by her neurologist, Louis R. Caplan, professor of neurology at Harvard Medical School. He writes this:

Those who dwell on their handicaps trap themselves in the idea that they must be exactly as they were before the stroke. They remain eternal patients and often forget to live...Successful people do not swell on this loss of capabilities. They emphasize different directions. With time comes experience and changes in goals. directions and activities. Our lives are a series of changing passages.

Progress Report!

I've been feeling tremendously sorry for myself because I can't think or type and work as fast as I used to. I am dyslexic and forgetful. I am now one of the ranks of people with ADD. If I get more than 2 feet away from the task I was doing, I get distracted by something else and wander off. I've realized that if I want to keep track of what I'm doing I have to write it down.

I drove around today to do errands. I carefully wrote out each destination, and what I needed to do or get there. After completion I checked each thing off. Guess what? Success! I came home with everything I needed to get, didn't take any wrong turns or get sidetracked! I'd even picked up some more books about stroke from the library. I didn't realize there were any I hadn't read yet. As I sat on the couch having my coffee and skimming the book, it dawned on me. I was SKIMMING the book. I couldn't do that 2 months ago. In order to keep continuity I needed to read each and every word. Today I picked out the portions I was interested in, effortlessly!

Woohoo!

Knitting Neurons

It's been a fascinating journey so far, through CVA (cerebral vascular accident, or stroke) into recovery. There are so many parts to this. The acute medical issues, the lingering physical deficits, the psychological understanding and acceptance and now the intellectual processing glitches.

Immediately after the stroke I had numbness and "lost-ness" of my left hand and arm. I really sometimes forgot that parts of it were there. I could move everything, if I looked at it specifically, but unless I consciously "inhabited" those fingers, they just dropped off my neural map. I had quite a bit of balance trouble. Having been a skater and diver in my younger years, a strong sense of kinesthetics was always a part of me. I always knew where I was in space. To not be able to stand on one foot for even 3 seconds was incredibly frustrating. To close my eyes and immediately tip over seemed ridiculous, for someone who used to be able to spin in several directions.

The sensory overwhelm was another problem. Standing in a crowded foyer at church, with all the voices and movement and bodies made my head spin. Standing at the top of the stairs and looking at the vast space of the entryway was another spin-producer.

Physically, I have improved dramatically. My fingers are all "there", most of the time. Sometimes I realize I am not using them, and then I make a conscious effort to inhabit them once again. I can stand on one foot, a necessary skill in everyday life(!) Why I consider that such a big deal, I don't know.

Internally I've had to process and accept the idea that I'm damaged goods. I really believed that I had "dodged a bullet" and would be just fine. For some reason the results of a vision test that showed I have a vision loss in my lower left quadrant was hardest to take. It hit home then that, yes, parts of my brain ARE gone. I told a friend I was having trouble with that, and that I had hoped to get through this unscathed. She said, "None of us get through life unscathed." Wow. (Thanks, Kate.) It put it in perspective and somehow I immediately felt okay with it.

Lately the challenges I'm facing have to do with intellectual processing. I've always been a very "left-brain" thinker; analytical, linear, detailed, but at the same time my subconscious was working in creative, outside the box ways. I could work at some problem methodically and step-by-step, only to have some unique solution just pop into my head. The right brain functions were doing their thing, behind the scenes. I've noticed that seems to be lacking, perhaps because the brain injury is on the right side of my noggin. I will plod along at something, working and working, even when it's not working, thinking if I just keep doing it, it will fix itself. That creative spark is not there.

I am not tremendously worried about that at this point, (for one thing, what would that accomplish),and for another, I have made enormous strides in my recovery in the other areas, so I'm sure this will improve also. Just to hedge my bets, I'm doing as much right-brain stuff as I can, to exercise that part, and as my friend Martha said, knit some neurons. (Love that phrase!

Stroke-Dome

(With apologies to Mad Max and Tina Turner.) I've been having trouble with my left hand due to my stroke. After dropping several things yesterday, I came up with a new movie scene: Stroke-Dome. "Two hands enter, one hand leaves."

Okay, so my husband thought it was funny.

Apr. 11, 2008 - Vision Loss-Online test

I took an online visual field test and it did show that I have a blind spot in my lower left quadrant. I thought so, since some things disappear if I look out of the corner of my eye.

Try it yourself here Vision Loss test. They will email you your results in a graph format. Interesting stuff!

I see my neurologist next week, and will let you know what I discover.

Mar. 28, 2008 - Life after a stroke

Is not that much different. I have some physical and neurological deficits, but nothing that keeps me from my daily activities. I have some dyslexia with numbers and letters, I get "lost" visually, that is, I can pick out details but can't always grasp the whole.

My balance is much better than it was, and my manual dexterity is improved.

Why me? I have no idea. Why I was spared the catastrophic damage that could have occured, I don't know. I believe God knew I had work yet to do as a mom and a wife.

Life after a stroke

Mar. 28, 2008 -
Is not that much different. I have some physical and neurological deficits, but nothing that keeps me from my daily activities. I have some dyslexia with numbers and letters, I get "lost" visually, that is, I can pick out details but can't always grasp the whole.
My balance is much better than it was, and my manual dexterity is improved.
Why me? I have no idea. Why I was spared the catastrophic damage that could have occurred, I don't know. I believe God knew I had work yet to do as a mom and a wife.

New Motto for Life since my stroke

Feb. 24,2008 CARPE CRANIUM - Seize the Brain (what little is left of it!)

Carpe Cranium

Feb. 24, 2008 1:08 PM My new motto for life
Seize the brain, what little is left of it!

Loopier Yet

Life is never dull on Loon Loop. On Feb 10, Sunday morning, while I was singing in worship team, I suffered a massive stroke. I am doing well, considering what the outcome could have been. I have some motor and balance problems, but am in intensive therapy and getting better.

Loopier Yet

Feb. 22, 2008 - Life is never dull on Loon Loop. On Feb 10, Sunday morning, while I was singing in worship team, I suffered a massive stroke. I am doing well, considering what the outcome could have been. I have some motor and balance problems, but am in intensive therapy and getting better.

A trip down the rabbit hole

Dec. 2, 2007 - My earlier entry about my new migraine medicine was full of hope and optimism. If I'd only known what I was in for.I had reached the standard daily dosage, and still no headaches, but the side effects were getting stronger. The hardest to deal with was the anxiety. I've never been an anxious sort of person, but suddenly I was perpetually on the verge of panic. I had an ever-present feeling of impending doom. One episodes sticks in my mind. all of the sudden I was certain I couldn't handle life any more. I sat at the kitchen table, hyperventilating, and figured out how to get out of all my jobs. I'd quit teaching, quit coaching, quit church activities, quit everything. Committees, worship team, friendships; they all had to go. I just COULDN'T DO IT!!!!! I could hardly breathe, my lips were tingling from lack of oxygen and the room started going gray.Then it passed. I looked up, and thought very calmly to myself, "the stereo cabinet needs dusting."WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?!I called my doctor right then. I have to go off the medicine. She convinced me to cut back to about half, and after a week or so, I felt fairly normal again. Yikes!That wasn't the end of it, though. Two weeks ago I got hit with the mother of all migraines. I couldn't see the numbers on the phone to call my hubby. I tried to email him, couldn't see the keyboard or the screen. He later showed me the message I sent him; total gobbledygook.He came home and took me to the emergency room. They gave me a lovely cocktail of demerol and ativan, sending me off into the bliss of pain relief and sleep.Two days later, the sleeping was over, but not the problems. I couldn't recognize familiar things. My cat jumped into my lap ( you know how animals sense when you are sick and need comforting.) I didn't know this animal that jumped on me; I didn't even know it was a cat. It scared me and I flung it off me. Later, I looked out the window and saw our neighbor outside doing lawn work. He was dressed the way you expect for yard work on a cold day; grubby clothes, stocking cap. Problems was, I didn't know who he was. I called my husband over and told him there was a vagrant in the yard.The problems persisted for several weeks. Balance - I've run into the wing chair in the living room so many times I have rows of bruises on my ribs. My hips are black and blue from nailing the end tables. I can' t dial the phone- the numbers won't resolve into anything I recognize. I can't drive. I have no idea what to do when I get to an intersection. Do I get to go next? Is that person in the turning lane stopped? What do the brake lights mean? I knew it was too dangerous to drive any more. I decided not to cook unless someone was home to check on me. I've left things on the burner for hours. I've dragged my sleeve through the burner's flame. I can't read, because the words from one part of the page pop up in the white spaces somewhere else. I can't type. Extra letters and spaces appear for no reason, and I can't figure out how to fix them. The worst was trying to teach my co-op class. I looked at the syllabus I had written. It said we were going to cover pages 97-101 in the text. I couldn't comprehend what the dash meant, and I couldn't understand how to find those pages in the book. The sequential ordering of numbers was just beyond me. I called my doctor. What is wrong with me? I think it's the medicine. she agreed. I was to start tapering off right away.

Jul. 27, 2007 - Day One on Drugs
I'm sure you'll all be fascinated by this saga (yeah, right). I finally had enough of my ever-increasing migraines and went to the doctor. He put me on Topamax, an anti-seizure medication that prevents migraines. There's a huge laundry list of side effects, the best of which is effortless weight loss. I'm looking forward to that!That having been said, the others are not so fun. Inability to form and find words (yes, I'll be teaching high school writing in co-op), inability to focus (yes, we'll be doing chemistry this year), stupidity - they call it Dopa-Max, and a host of other fun stuff. So far today, after one dose last night, I am experiencing a burst of energy, some trouble with words, and a bit of dry mouth. I haven't lost one ounce of weight. I truly expected to be down a size by this morning. Sigh. What IS the matter with the pharmaceutical industry these days?Alas. I soldier on. Stupidity and skinniness, here I come.