A wish list for my
doctors.
I wish for you the following things.
This is not for ill will, but for understanding. First, I wish for you an an aura. Perhaps flashing lights, getting lost in your own
hometown on the way to the grocery store, You know, the “you'd
better get the shopping done before it hits” kind. You rush
through the list, and dump everything on the counter, when you get
home so you can crash in bed kind of aura.
For perhaps the headache itself. I
could wish that for you. Kind of pain that makes you wish you could
find a knitting needle and dig your own eye out of its socket so you
can find the place in your brain that hurts so bad and dig it out
too.
Maybe I should wish you the migraine
hangover. When your scalp hurts when you comb your hair. When your
skin feels bruised. When you feel foggy unbalanced and don't
remember what you did the day before. Would you like that?
I think what you need is just living
with the day-to-day idea of chronic pain. Of never being able to
plan a life of knowing what you will do the next day. Never knowing
if a date outside will end up being a day inside. Will you be out in
the weather, for under the covers? Will your loved see you in nice
clothes, or your pajamas? What would your medical records say for
diagnosis? Annual check up? Or possible narcotic dependence? Do
they really think we like taking drugs?
I don't really wish you ill. I just
want you to know what it's like to be me. Perhaps then you will
understand. I'm not here to get more medicine. I'm here to be
understood. I'm here for you to help me. I'm not here to take up
your time. I'm here to get better. I don't want you to feel sorry
for me. I can do that myself. And I do. Just do what you've been
trained to do. Use your brain. Search for answers to problems. The
problem isn't something on paper, the problem is life, my life, and I
can't live it right now, without your help, so don't send me off with
more drugs and hope I will go away. Use your brain, and help my
brain.
Thank you,
Your migraine patient.
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